To Destroy a Lover
by CoupleChemistry
Summary: Some 19th century inner-reflection from Helen Magnus during the flashbacks from "Sanctuary for All" and "Kush".


Title: To Destroy a Lover  
Author: CoupleChemistry  
Rating: T  
Pairing: Helen/John  
Spoilers: 1x02 "Sanctuary For All" & 1x05 "Kush"  
Summary: Some 19th century reflection from Helen during the flashbacks from "Sanctuary for All" and "Kush".  
Author's Note: This is my 2nd SANCTUARY story and I am still trying to work on Helen's vocabulary, so please excuse some of the "very unlike Helen" phrases :) Please review. I would really appreciate it! Song lyrics are from "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy, "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles, and "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele.

_I cannot go to the ocean. I cannot drive the streets at night.  
I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind._

John had been distracted. It was the first thing she had noticed, because he usually couldn't keep his eyes off of her when they were together. Recently though, his actions had become more suspicious than just being distracted. She often caught glimpses of anguish cross his face, as if he were battling with something he didn't understand, and she grew more concerned as each day passed. Finally, what had begun as an unexplainable distraction had turned into an illness that had taken complete control over his body, forcing him to remain in bed. Hours were spent in the lab testing blood samples. She and Watson worked furiously as they tried to discover what had happened to their friend. Between time in the lab and sitting by his bed, there were a lot of concerns going through her mind. Their future was so promising, but the past few days had changed things. It wasn't just that he was sick, there were some underlying feelings that she could not shake.

It was not a peaceful illness, and watching him writhe in pain caused an ache that could only be dimmed by more work in the lab. Her blood was a possible cure. Over the last two years, she had found that she had remarkable healing time and with more research had discovered elements of the gift that she had received from the Source Blood, but they weren't sure of the extent of her gift.

_The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all.  
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can't help feeling we could have had it all._

Looking back on those times made her want to cry and punch something, neither of which was appropriate at the moment. In one night she had lost everything. She was now out hunting her former fiancé. Even as the thought entered her mind, she shivered. How could she not have seen it sooner? Countless hours over the last three years they had spent together. Was her judgment so impaired by how much she was attracted to him? She had to push aside these thoughts and just do what she was out here to do. But thinking of him as just another abnormal in need of being captured and contained for the safety of others was not easy. The Five had questioned her ability to distance herself and complete the job - to destroy her lover. She had assured them that she could do it, and she had almost convinced herself until she came around the corner.

_Set me free, leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.  
Here I am and I stand so tall. I'm just the way I'm supposed to me. But your onto me and all over me._

There was no way she was going to let him die. This was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with; build a home and have a family with. This man understood her passions and hadn't done anything to make her change, but for all her independent thinking, this man's love had changed her; given her new passions. She may be a scientist and a well-educated woman, but that didn't mean she had put all emotions aside. However, when those feelings were tempting to consume her, she was glad to have something she could turn to that would help take her mind off the things she had no control over. He had given her so much, and now it had come to the point where the only way to save him was to inject him with her blood. Though not entirely sure of the results, almost anything would be better than the misery that was his existence at the moment.

_We walked along a crowded street. You took my hand and danced with me.  
And when you left, you kissed my lips. You told me you would never forget these images._

Though she had brought a gun and would use it if she had to, she didn't want it to come to that. She thought she could reason with him. A part of her still hoped there was a way to save him. He may be a cold-blooded killer, but he still held a place in her heart – as much as she tried to suppress it. She came around the corner, sure that this was where he would be tonight. The sound of his voice made her heart flutter, but not for the same reason it had only weeks before. She had been in denial for some time, until the evidence against him proved to be too much and she had confronted him herself. Now, as she saw him pull the knife from its hiding place, she had to focus on the job at hand. It was her fault that this was happening, and so it was her responsibility to end it. Her serum had brought out these traits in him, but now he had her blood in his veins, and he would continue to wreak havoc long after the police who hunted him were dead.

_See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do._

The glint of the knife reminded her of the murders he was accused of committing, and she wondered if there was any John left and if she had any power over him at all. He must know that she would be after him. What else could he expect her to do, especially after their conversation and broken engagement? So, when he called her name, his cool response didn't surprise her, but the darkness in his eyes was something she had never seen before, even when she had confronted him. Seeing him clench the girl in his arms and threaten her helped her to brush aside the pain. The anger took over as she squeezed the trigger, she hoped he knew that he had destroyed her heart.

_There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark._

The gun fired and in a whirl of energy, he disappeared. It had not been a kill shot, but she had hit him. She had found the determination to pull the trigger, though part of her wondered if she had missed on purpose. Had she at the last moment, subconsciously, not been able to kill him? Had The Five been right in thinking that she was too emotionally involved? His words rang in her head, "What else have I to lose?" Maybe she was afraid of losing him forever when there was a chance that she could save him. Had he been daring her to shoot him? Did he not see that she too had lost everything? He had forced her to a point that she hadn't wanted to reach. Though she didn't know where he would turn up again, the hunt would continue. It was all that she had left of them, and she would spend the rest of her life hunting him down and trying to save him at the same time.

_Baby, I have no story to be told, but I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn.  
Think of me in the depths of your despair, make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared._

She was surprised he had agreed to meet her tonight. Excuses seemed to be becoming a more regular occurrence lately, and she didn't want to think about what he had been doing. There had been too much doubt in her mind, and pieces from the past few weeks began fitting together, and she wasn't one to ignore the evidence. And the evidence had told her that her fiancé was Jack the Ripper. The fact that he knew what she wanted to talk about had crossed her mind. And though he hadn't done anything to hurt her, she couldn't help think that this meeting was not a good idea. The details of gruesome killings almost had her changing her mind, but she had to do this.

She had confronted him with the evidence and he hadn't denied it. She didn't know what she expected him to say. Of course, she had hoped that he would deny it and provide evidence of his innocence. But when she had directly asked him about the murders, she could feel her heart being ripped from her chest as a flood of pain covered his features. However, before she could say anything, the anguish was again all too clear on his face as he teleported away.

_You're neither friend not foe, though I can't seem to let you go.  
The one thing I still know is that you're keeping me down._

The nightmares were something she wouldn't admit to anyone. As much as she tried, reminding herself that what she had done was necessary, she couldn't erase all the memories. Her nightmares were full of "what ifs" shattered by images of murdered women. None of The Five had suspected John until it was too late. And it was something that would haunt all of them. She avoided the nightmares by drowning herself in her father's work. It was the only thing that made her mistakes worthwhile. But she could never get away from it, because he was still out there; still free to murder innocent women. How could she still love this man even after seeing what he was capable of? But she did. It wasn't like she could just make those feelings go away. She had tried. She was punishing herself and would continue to do so until the day she died.

_So you're gone and I'm haunted, and I bet you are just fine.  
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?_


End file.
